Adventure and Exploration, Leadership and Service

Process Goals vs. Outcome-Based Goals

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on-the-summit-of-mount-rainier
On the summit of Mount Rainier in 2010

Just over a year ago, I stood on top of Mount Rainier after five days of learning from and climbing with the best.  Glacier travel.  Self-arrest practice. Building snow walls so you don’t get blown off the mountain. Not showering for a week. Pooping in blue plastic baggies. Packing out said baggies. The experience was incredible. Well, maybe not those last few bits. Being in the elements, carrying a fifty-five pound pack, and moving up the mountain roped together was difficult to say the least.

Outcome-Based Goals

Most of the time we focus too much on outcome-based goals and end up sabotaging ourselves along the way.  Some examples are:

Destination Goals

Getting to the top of Mount Rainier was a destination goal.  I wanted to end up in a certain place. Your goals don’t all have to be physical destinations though. For example, you may want to weigh 25 pounds less than you do right now. That’s a destination. To be in a different “place” physically. Another example might be a certain dollar amount in your bank account. That’s a destination.

Competitive or Performance Goals

In a race for example, you not only want to finish (destination) but you want to perform better than you did last time or beat a competitor who usually gets the best of you.  Of course, this translates to other aspects of life like sales or getting that promotion.

There are several problems with setting outcome goals as your main targets. First, there are too many uncontrollable factors that could affect the outcome. What if a blizzard forces an extended stay at Camp II? What if your company begins to lay people off? What if the market crashes (again)

Second, outcome-based goals are black and white. Either you achieve them or you fail, and this kind of focus can lead to decreased enjoyment and eventually burnout.

Process Goals

Process goals, however, are quite different. Before I even arrived at the base of the mountain, I needed to lose a quite a bit of weight. Topping out at 273, it was daunting to even consider climbing a mountain. Losing that amount of weight in and of itself is a huge goal. But instead of focusing on the outcome-based goals, I focused on the process.

“I will climb the stairs of the twenty-story building today.”
“I will plan my meals for the week.”  
“I will go for a run.”  
“I will make a better choice when I’m out at the restaurant with friends.”

When you focus on the process and making better choices, you actually end up reaching your destination and achieving your performance goals. In the past few months, I’ve revised my triathlon goals a few times. I’ve renegotiated them with myself due to time constraints and family priorities. But, because the destination for me isn’t the end all, I’m ok and don’t feel guilty. I still get on the bike, still run and am still making better diet decisions. Why? Because that’s part of the process of living a healthy lifestyle which is really what I’m after.

I’ve got some areas of my life that I’m frustrated with right now. I’d really like to be in a different “place.”  So, I’m looking for ways to focus on the process so it doesn’t get overwhelming.

What about you? What’s been on your bucket list for years? You know, that thing you feel guilty about because you’ve not accomplished it yet and it just stares at you. Well, don’t look at it.

Look at the small thing in front of you. The thing that will move you towards it. Focus on that. And then tomorrow and the next day and the next…“rinse and repeat.”  You’ll get there before you know it.

Prayer and Faith

We Shouldn’t Be Surprised by Trials

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california-desert

I’ll never forget when I heard the news.  It was in an emergency room and I thought maybe I was facing the wrong way.  Or maybe the doctor was talking past me to another parent.  I was so taken aback.  So caught off guard.  Shocked… surprised… stunned…

…numb.

Thinking back on that moment years ago, I understand it. It’s only natural to be shocked to hear your child has cancer. But what if isn’t? What if being caught off-guard by trials is more our conditioning from the influences of Western culture, both secular and religious. What if our world is rocked because we have a skewed definition of what we “deserve”?

We’re good at marketing

Sometimes I think we do a better job of marketing the Bible than we do believing it or walking it out.  Take this for example…

I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (emphasis mine)

John 16:33

See that middle part right there.  The part where I used the nifty CMD+I trick. We like to leave that part out. It doesn’t market very well, especially that “sorrows” bit. I mean, that’s the opposite of the canned “I’m blessed, brother. And, you?”

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.

Psalm 46:1

The fact that God is “this” means we must go through “that.”  And “that” stinks.  Sometimes very, very badly.

We shouldn’t be surprised…

…when trouble comes.  But often times we are. Maybe I was caught off-guard because deep down I really believed God owed me something. He would never let that happen to me… to my child… to my family. But that’s not what he promised. Seems like I’m really good at marketing as well.

But looking back, I know He was there and still is.

What he did promise however is that He’d be there. My personal experience was that I never felt like he was. Like wandering in the desert with no help or end in sight. But looking back, I know He was there and still is.

If you’re going through a difficult season…

Here are a few things I’ve learned:

  • God doesn’t “owe” me anything
  • I’m normal. Pain, deep pain, is part of the broken human experience.
  • Give yourself permission to experience all the emotions that come with what you’re facing.
  • Ask for help.
  • Pray honestly. Even is it’s simply, “Help us…”
  • It’s worth hanging in there with the relationships that matter… even when it’s toughest.
  • It won’t happen overnight. It may take years so settle in for the long haul.
  • You probably won’t feel much simply because your body, mind, and spirit are all wired together and clarity doesn’t come easy but… 
  • God is real.
  • He does love you.
  • He’s not blind even when he’s silent.
  • He’s working on your behalf even now.
  • He believes in you even when you don’t believe in him.

If you’re not going through it… this is for you:

  • One day, and probably soon… you will be.
  • Until then…

All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.  He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.  (emphasis mine)

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Family and Friends

Love the person not the ideal…

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July 19, 1997

A couple weeks ago, my wife and I celebrated fourteen years of marriage. By no means a veteran couple of decades.  But, I can say after fourteen years of great joys and quite a few disappointments, the loss of a child and the toll it takes on the relationship, we have learned a lot.

One of the things we’ve learned is to love the person and not the ideal.

You know… the ideal of marriage or the ideal of who you think that person is or should be.

ideal:

adjective
1 ideal flying weather: perfect, best possible, consummate, supreme, excellent, flawless, faultless, exemplary, classic, model, ultimate, quintessential. ANTONYMS bad.

2 an ideal concept: abstract, theoretical, conceptual, notional; hypothetical, speculative, conjectural, suppositional. ANTONYMS concrete.

3 an ideal world: unattainable, unachievable, impracticable, chimerical; unreal, fictitious, hypothetical, theoretical, ivory-towered, imaginary, illusory, idealized, idyllic, visionary, utopian, fairy-tale. ANTONYMS attainable, real.

noun
1 no woman could be the ideal he imagined for himself: perfection, paragon, epitome, shining example, ne plus ultra, nonpareil, dream.

Most of the time when you marry, you don’t know who you are, much less who the other person really is. And, marriage is going to change you. It’s going to change them. More accurately, it’s going to reveal the true person versus the person you’ve created in your head.

You’re not the person I married

There comes a moment in every relationship when you realize, “You’re not the person I married.”  Yes they are.  They’re not the ideal you married but make no mistake, they are the person.

This is especially true for young couples going into “ministry.” Here’s why:

He has a persona that is expressed from behind the microphone or in that setting where his leadership “gifting” is being exhibited.  You are NOT marrying that.  You are marrying him and those are two different things.

And, I’m sure she would make the perfect little pastor’s wife but those expectations come from outside. They work their way in and take up residence. And it’s toxic. You are marrying her. Not the ideal that together you’ll make a great team so you can go out, “grab the world by the tail, pull it down and put it in your pocket.”

I think this can be true in every relationship. Change the context and window dressing but you’ll still find the temptation to love the ideal and not the person. 

And… you’ll… be… disappointed… every… time.

Instead, toss all that stuff out and simply love the person. Flaws and all. Give grace and permission for them to simply be them. 

That’s the best gift you can give to the world. A better you. 

That’s not to say you shouldn’t grow or work at becoming a better you. In fact, that’s the best gift you can give your family. That’s the best gift you can give to the world. A better you. 

But that’s the key. A better you. Not a better them. Focus on that and I promise you’ll be happier, they’ll be happier, and the odds of becoming a veteran couple of decades will improve dramatically.

Family and Friends, Laughter and Joy

We All Have a Lego Stuck Up Our Nose

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lego-men-on-mount-rainier

A funny parenting story

Benaiah comes over with tears in his eyes and says, “EMERGENCY!!!”  He tilts his head back so I can look in his nose and I calmly say, “You’re good. You’re not bleeding.  Did you scratch yourself or something?”

“No, there’s a Lego stuck up in there.”

Shaking his head he says, “No, there’s a Lego stuck up in there.”  At this point in the story, I’d like to say that I remained calm, cool, and collected.  But, I didn’t. My response went something Iike…

“Oh no!  Why would you stick a Lego up your nose?  Honey, get off the phone, we’re probably going to the emergency room. Ben, why would you do this?  Don’t ever do that again.  Oh man.”

Now, in my defense, I looked in his nose and there was most assuredly NOT a Lego up in there which means there was a Lego WAY up in there. So I had a bit of a reason to freak out, at least a little.

We went to the bathroom and one good, hard blow later and the Lego was in my hand. I know it’s gross but I was thankful to have the ironically green Lego piece in my hand and not the recesses of my son’s nasal and sinus cavity.

The lesson I learned

He cried a little bit and I was relieved but as we sat there watching Astro-Boy later that evening, I reflected back on my response…. or rather, my reaction.  Not that I freaked out all that much but, I should have remained a bit more calm. 

Later in life, when my son has something really important to tell me, I don’t want him to be afraid of my reaction.  I don’t want him to hold it in like we sometimes do, only to try and navigate whatever situation or problem he’s facing on his own.

At times, we all suffer silently in temptation, sin, guilt, grief, fear or depression because we’re afraid of how others will react.

At times, we all suffer silently in temptation, sin, guilt, grief, fear or depression because we’re afraid of how others will react.  We’ve got to do a better job of confessing to one another.  But more than that, we’ve got to be the kind of people others can confess to because in the end…

…we all have a Lego stuck up our nose.

Family and Friends, Laughter and Joy

What We Have Here Is A Failure To Communicate

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The other night, a friend and I stopped at a gas station just outside Nashville on our way home from the Montgomery Gentry video shoot.  I went inside to grab some snacks for the late night drive home and my interaction with the attendant (we’ll call him George) went something like this:

George: Is that gonna do it for ya?

Me: Yep. (Pause) Oh, and this Powerbar. Don’t know why I kept it in my hand.

George: Do you have cash? Cause you can’t pay with a credit or debit card for that.

Me: I can’t use my debit card?

George: Not for that. Everything else is fine except for that. It’s against the law to pay for it with a credit card.

Me: It’s against the law to pay for the Powerbar with my credit card? That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard.

George: Where are you from, son?

Me: Birmingham. But why does that matter?

George: Well, up here it’s illegal to pay for that with a credit or debit card.

Me: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Why in the world would that be illegal?

George: Well, they probably don’t want people running up debt by coming in here buying a bunch of them all at the same time.

Me: That’s hilarious! Stupidest law I’ve ever heard of in my life. I can’t believe it’s illegal in Tennessee to pay for a Powerbar with my credit or debit card no matter how many I want to buy at one time. I should be able to buy as many as I want even if in this case it only happens to be one.

George: Did you say “Powerbar?” I thought you said “PowerBall.”

Funny how one small misunderstood word can change an entire conversation.  Communication would be much more effective if we would just back up and clarify what we said instead of expecting the other person to magically understand where we’re coming from.

Prayer and Faith

The Beautiful Paradox of Good Friday and the Final Words of Jesus

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I was chatting with a friend on iChat earlier this morning and I wanted to recognize this important day but somehow “Happy Good Friday” just seemed inappropriate so I settled on a rather weak and cliche “God bless you and your family today.”  It’s the best I could come up but I meant it knowing today should be a day of sober reflection for every follower of Christ.

tintoretto-crucifixion-san-rocco-good-friday
Jacopo Tintoretto (c 1518-1594), The Crucifixion (E&I 123) (1565), oil on canvas, 536 x 1224 cm, Albergo, Scuola Grande di San Rocco, Venice, Italy.

Even the name “Good Friday” is paradoxical.  It’s a good day for us but it wasn’t so good for him.

But I also find that Jesus’ final words carry a bit of paradox that a lot of people can relate to and resonate with.  I know he was fufilling prophesy but it doesn’t diminish what I believe Jesus was really feeling in that moment and was honest enough to come right out with it…

Matthew 27:45-46: From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi,lama sabachthani?”—which means, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Have you ever felt this way?  Ever felt like Almighty God was letting you down?  Ever wondered, “What in the world are You waiting for? Step in and DO SOMETHING!”

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